An Akatsuki Christmas
by FluffyWithAGun
Summary: The Akatsuki celebrate Christmas, it's horrible.


**An Akatsuki Christmas**

It was the day before Christmas, and all through the Akatusuki base, not a creature was stirring, not even a drugged up albino or a stoned ass puppet. Just kidding, it's fucking daytime, of course there's shit going on. It's Christmas god damn eve, stupid.

The stocking were hung randomly around because they didn't have a chimney, and they were not hung with care, cause Kakuzu was in charge of that shit, and he don't give a fuck. So he was like, "Gay." And he hung that shit up as carelessly as careless gets, yo.

In the kitchen, Deidara and that orange lolipop motherfucker were making cookies that would probably taste like ass and dynamite, because... well look who's making them. Like seriously, who the fuck decided who was going to do what up in here? Probably some douchebag. Named Ginger-ass-pierced-motherfucker, also known as Pein.

He looked around, very unimpressed, and proceeded to shit in a box, wrap it, and throw it under the tree, which was being decorated by Itachi.

Speaking of that nigga, he doesn't fucking like this holiday, or any holiday, except for New Year's Eve for obvious fucking reasons.

"Why am I doing this again?" Said a frowning Uchiha.

"Because you're horrible emo-ness is starting to spread out amongst the rest of the Akatsuki, and you need to fucking chill the fuck out." Sasori replied, taking a hit from a bong with a bowl the size of his fist.

"So why the fuck aren't you helping?" Itachi growled back.

"Do I look like I could even function right now?"

Itachi huffed, and continued wrapping tinsel around the tree.

When suddenly everyone's attention was directed to the ceiling, from which came a loud-ass fucking bang, followed by a vulgar scream.

Outside, Hidan and Kisame were hanging christmas lights for some dumbass reason. Because obviously when you have a secret hideout you put up bright-ass fucking flashing lights up so no one will find you.

Hidan, in a drunken frenzy, had tripped and fallen on the snowy surface, managing not to go careening off the edge of the building only by snatching the leg of Kisame's pants. This of course caused the big shark man to fall over and cause what was basically an earthquake throughout the rest of the house.

The rest of the Akatuski listened as they screamed insults at each other.

"You stupid piece of shit! You could've killed me! I'm telling!"

"Shut the fuck up you fish-ass dick sucker, he can't do shit."

"Why the fuck are you running around on an icy roof when you're wasted anyway?"

"I was just tryin' to be nice you shark-cock-much-FUCK!"

"You can't even form coherent Insults you fucking alchoholic albino!"

"Keep fucking talking and I'll throw your big blue asshole right the fuck off the roof!"

"Just get the fuck out of here I can do this faster without your stupid naked ass in the way."

"I'm not naked, I'm half naked, fucker."

Then Hidan proceeded to strip of his remaining clothes, slapped Kisame, and Pocahontas-style dove off the roof into a snow pile, laughing like a maniac.

When Kisame and Hidan finished being stupid-asses and came back inside. Deidara stood up to announce his brilliant idea.

"Lets all go outside...and make...A SNOWMAN! ...un." And both of his hand mouths salivated onto the carpet, and Itachi got pissed, cause he has to clean that shit.

So they went outside and made a fucking snowman, then had a giant orgy, and the snowman died, so they made another one that looked like it had AIDS, because all the snow melted from the heat of their bodies.

And after all this bullshit happened, they had to do one more fucking thing before they could all do what they really fucking actually wanted.

Get wasted.

So they bundled the fuck up, all warm and cozy and shit, with scarves and earmuffs. And by the time they got outside it was July. Just kidding dumbass. It was a blizzard. Couldn't see SHIT.

So they proceeded to blindly wander around peoples homes, and sing them terrible christmas songs.. Such as;

"Deck the halls with your entrails!

Fa la la la la, la la FUCK YOU!"

And;

"Jingle bells, your butthole smells.

Your mother is a whore!

What the fuck is wrong with your face,

You looke like you ran into a door... repeatedly."

Also;

"I have a gift for you,

So shut the fuck up!

Stop asking me for shit,

Or I'll kill your mom."

And lastly;

"Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell cock."

Then they wandered back home with runny noses and all that good shit that's not good at all.

And they got fucking drunk, like FUCKING drunk.

Hidan threw up in the cactus in the garden in Zetsu's room.

Sasori got wasted, and decided to share his weed stash with everyone, but he ran out so he shaved a cat and started smoking it's fur. No one knows where he got the cat.

Tobi crapped his own pants, but that's pretty normal.

Kisame tried to drown himself in the bathtub but he forgot he had gills, so he just fell asleep in a bathtub full of water... naked.

Deidara nlew off his schmeckle after trying to masturbate with clay still stuck under his fingernails. And he sneezed and it sounded like 'Katsu!' (Kakuzu is gonna have to sew that shit back on, wtf.)

Kakuzu, speaking of which, got so drunk and held Hidan's hand under the mistletoe and whispered scandelous scenarios into his ear.

Zetsu just walked around like a fucked up crap and tried to eat Deidara's dismembered disco stick.

Konan's a bitch so she's not in this story.

Pein pierced his ass cheeks together with a staple gun he got for christmas.

SUDDENLY.

There came a knock knock knock on the door. And in skipped a very santa-looking Sasuke, with a big-ass bag of bullshit for the little boys and girl who isn't in this story so fuck her.

But Itachi screamed like a bitch from all the sudden movement and totally freaked the fuck out. He had like, some war flashback or shit cause he was for totes in 'Nam. And he grabbed a knife and slit santa's asshole wide the fuck open, even though it was already pretty fucking wide open anyway. Then he stabbed him in the face a couple more times, just to make sure he was dead.

And everyone was like "Holy shit!"

And Itachi looked around the room like, "What?"

And everyone pissed their pants. Except Sasori, cause he ain't got a bladder and shit.

And the world exploded from the awesomeness they all felt deep down in their balls.

The end.

Merry christmas.


End file.
